This series will include nine masterful installments, assuming none of the candidates withdraws before I finish it. And that’s not a very safe assumption, considering the lot we’re dealing with here.
Well, let’s get on with meeting the GOP candidates, shall we?
Michele Bachmann
Michele Bachmann always looks surprised. Sometimes I think even she’s surprised that she is running for President of the United States. Anywho, in 2006, Bachmann was the first Republican woman to be elected to the U.S. House of Representatives for Minnesota. She currently sits on the Financial Services Committee (FSC) and the Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. She is also pretty much the Tea Party sweetheart.
Here are some of my favorite high points from her campaign thus far:
- She thinks the HPV vaccine causes retardation in young girls;
- Believes that black children born into slavery were better off than black children today (see below);“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.“
- Holds that homosexuality is a choice;
- And has pledged to ban pornography.
So far, she’s definitely lost the black voters and gay voters. And that last high point may have also lost her the male voters…
…well, maybe not all the male voters.
Aside from the buggy eyes, I guess she’s not completely horrible to look at, but let’s discuss her knowledge of American history. I mean, she did incorrectly assert that our founding fathers “worked tirelessly to end slavery.” Considering her prestigious educational credentials, surely she learned at some point that many of the forefathers and earlier presidents actually owned slaves, right? But hey, who cares about the facts? She was just trying to tell a heartwarming story about our upstanding, Christian forefathers. We must not forget that Bachmann was a successful litigator before she got into politics, so if you ask me, she is the candidate to watch if you just wanna see someone make some sh*t up and come close to actually pulling it off.
